When Love Potion goes wrong
by Crack-fics-oh-my
Summary: Crack!Fic. Harry is having relationship issues and Ron is desperately trying to stop everyone else's relationship issues. Unfortunately Fred and George's new Wheezes product is out ... and it contains Love Potion. (unfinished)


One day, Harry Potter received a Howler.

"Oh no," he shouted and went to sprint out of the room, but he accidentally tripped over Ron.

"Oh hi Ron," but Ron couldn't reply because the Howler started howling.

"HOW DARE YOU STAND ME UP LAST NIGHT!" shouted the howler. "I HAD A GREAT DINNER PLANNED FOR US AND YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP!"

"That voice is oddly familiar," said Ron, and by now Harry was blushing.

"Wait…Harry, Harry is that… Voldemort?!"

"No…" said Harry, looking away, but his beetroot coloured face told otherwise.

"Ooh!" hooted Ron, "Harry and Voldy, sitting in a tree K-I-S "

"SHUT UP" shouted Harry angrily. Harry bolted upstairs, and Ron bought some chocolates from Fred and George to try and make Harry happy. Unfortunately, the chocolate had a love potion in it and as Harry took a bite, he immediately fell in love with Bellatrix Lestrange.

Harry sighed dreamily and said "Oh Bellatrix! Why didn't I realise it before! I must find her, my love, my Bella!" Ron just stared, mouth wide open. Harry tripped on the stairs as he rushed down and Ron heard many loud thumps as Harry fell. But Harry was immediately revived by his love for Bellatrix, and he got up and apparated to Malfoy Manor.

As Ron got downstairs to apparate after him he saw Fred and George give Hermione a chocolate. "No!" he shouted, but it was too late, Hermione was looking at Ron dreamily and she suddenly ran at him and started kissing him. Ron, though momentarily surprised, realised he was living a dream.

George was surprised by this and decided to take one himself. Then Ginny entered the room to see Hermione kissing Ron and George kissing Fred. Feeling left out, Ginny decided to kiss the first thing in sight. Crookshanks then prowled in.

A few seconds later Mrs Weasley walked in "Fred! George! Ron! Hermione! Ginny! Crookshanks?" she shouted, but then she noticed the chocolates, and she ate one. "Oh Lucius! I must find Lucius," and she apparated to Malfoy Manor.

Fred then realised that his twin was snogging him and he pulled Ginny and Ron off Hermione and Crookshanks. Ron then realised what he had come down here for and he quickly apparated to the Malfoy Manor.

Ron appeared to see Harry and Mrs Weasley knocking on the door of the Manor, and he ran up to them and grabbed them by the scruff of the neck. "What are you doing!?"

"To see Bellatrix, my love! I'm coming!" said Harry dreamily.

"Oh Lucius," said Mrs Weasley "I neeed you!"

"No! You're coming back-"started Ron, but the door opened and there was Narcissa. "What do you want?" she snapped.

"I need to see Bellatrix!" exclaimed Harry.

"I need to see Lucius!" exclaimed Mrs Weasley.

Narcissa looked at Ron. "Oh! I… uh, need to see… Voldemort!" It was the first thing that Ron thought of but realised after it was a mistake.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THE DARK LORDS NAME!" shouted Narcissa. At the same time Harry said, "How dare you intend to have a relationship with my soul mate!"

"I'm sorry!" stuttered Ron. "I…I…I, WHAT?"

"Oh nothing!" replied Harry.

"The Dark Lord is your soul mate?" asked Narcissa curiously.

"He might be!" shouted Harry, "but Bellatrix is my love! The pure core of my existence!"

Narcissa decided she couldn't give a damn about Rodolphus so she let Harry in, but she had to think about Mrs Weasley and Ron.

"So…Lucius did you say?" said Narcissa and Mrs Weasley nodded. Narcissa considered this and decided there could be another Lucius in the Death Eater clan, and let her in.

"Saying the Dark Lord's name is a great offence," said Narcissa. "I don't think he would appreciate filth like you in our house. Goodbye!" And she slammed the door in Ron's face. But Ron had a Plan- B. He went around the side of the Manor and started to climb using the dry wads of toilet paper that the Order had thrown at the Manor over the years. Unfortunately, many of the wads broke but Ron managed to get to the closest window. Inside, sitting on the bed, was Draco Malfoy knitting what looked like a Hot Pink Scarf.

"Malfoy! Jeez, what is wrong with everyone?" said Ron

"Maybe it's not what's wrong with us… maybe it's what's wrong with you…" said Draco philosophically.

"IM GOING INSANE!" shouted Ron desperately. As Ron made this jerking movement one of the chocolates fell out of his pocket.

"Chocolate, score!" said Malfoy, dropping his knitting and grabbing the chocolate. "Oh God," said Ron as Malfoy ate the chocolate.

"I got to run!" screamed Ron, but it was too late, Malfoy was advancing on Ron by the second.

He started snogging Ron, but Ron ran out the door and slammed it in Draco's face, only to see Molly and Lucius outside the door, kissing.

"This world is getting twisted by the second!" Shouted Ron. He pushed past them both and entered Bellatrix's room only to see Harry proposing.

Ron screamed – had he gone mad? – And Harry looked around.

"Ron! HOW DARE YOU RUIN THIS PRECIOUS MOMENT?" he shouted

"What exactly are you doing in my house?" asked Bellatrix.

"It doesn't matter; Ron can be a witness… Bellatrix, will you marry me?" asked Harry innocently.

Ron crossed the room and forced a potion down Harry's throat.

"ARE YOU POISENING MY FIANC'E?" screamed Bellatrix.

"You're already married!" snapped Ron

"Uh, Ron?" said Harry, "Did I just…no, I can't have… did I… did I just propose? TO BELLATRIX?"

"Yes and my answer is yes!" said Bellatrix.

"EW, NOOOOO!" shouted Harry and he ran out of the room. Ron followed and when he got into the corridor Draco Malfoy was in a tuxedo and holding flowers. "They're daisies… your favourite,"

"I don't want them!" said Ron as he knocked them out of Malfoy's hand. Tears welled in Draco's eyes and he pulled out the pink scarf. "Well, what about this pink scarf I knitted?" Ron just groaned and tried to pull Harry downstairs, but Bellatrix was pulling him back to her room. "Come here!" she said. "We need to plan the honeymoon!"

"Shouldn't we plan the wedding first?" said Harry, thinking logically. But Ron pulled out his wand and stupefied Bellatrix before she could pull Harry away.

"Come on!" shouted Ron and he pushed Malfoy aside. When they rounded the corner, Ron, once again, saw his mother kissing Lucius. Harry stupefied Lucius, which gave Ron the chance to give his mother the potion. He pulled them both down the stairs and into a Death Eater dinner party. "Ron? What just happened?" Mrs Weasley asked her son.

"Well… you were kind of snogging him," he said, pointing to Lucius.

Just then Harry bumped into Voldemort.

"Why hello there Voldemort!" exclaimed Harry. Tears started welling up in Voldemort's eyes and all of a sudden he slapped Harry. Harry burst into tears and started shouting, "Look, it wasn't my fault! I had other things on my mind!"

"And you were the only thing on my mind that night!" shouted Voldy.

"We're engaged!" said Bellatrix who suddenly appeared.

"Not anymore!" shouted Harry. "I've thought about it and I've decided to dedicate myself to my soul mate, the Dark Lord, my Voldy!"

"Oh Harry!" Voldemort wailed and he started snogging Harry.

Meanwhile, all the Death Eaters were sitting at the table, looking at Harry and their master with extremely shocked faces.

"Get a room!" yelled Rodolphus.

"No!" screamed Bellatrix and she pulled Voldemort off Harry and started snogging him.

"NOOO!" screamed Rodolphus and he pulled Bellatrix away and punched Harry. Harry punched Rodolphus back and pulled Voldy into a side room. Ron burst into the room and pulled Harry away before apparating. Unfortunately, Ron landed at a totally different place to the Burrow. "Ron, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…" Harry said slowly.

"No," replied Ron, "We're in Disneyland!"

"Maybe we should have turned left at Albuquerque?" said Harry, but Ron wasn't listening. He had already strapped himself in for a roller coaster ride. Unfortunately Ron had never been in a rollercoaster before, and when the ride started he began screaming and waving his wand, trying to make it stop.

"Stop, stop, STOP!" Ron screamed. Just then, his wand broke. "ARGH!"

Meanwhile Narcissa had asked Mrs Weasley to join the dinner party, and she gladly pulled up a chair. At that same time Lucius stumbled down the stairs looking for Molly. "There you are honey!" said Narcissa, but Lucius pushed Narcissa aside and went to kiss Molly. Narcissa promptly slapped Lucius, and soon after that so did Molly. Narcissa then realised that it was Molly's fault in the first place so then she slapped Molly instead.

Meanwhile… at the Burrow Crookshanks seemed to be avoiding Ginny. George was still trying to chase after Fred. And Arthur was trying to find out where Molly went. He decided to ask the first person he saw. "Do you know where Molly is, Crookshanks?"

"Meow!" replied Crookshanks smartly.

"She went after Lucius…? No! She can't have!"

"Me-ow" Crookshanks replied, and Arthur apparated to Malfoy Manor.

Meanwhile Draco was felling very unhappy and let down, so he had returned to his knitting. "If I knit him a maroon jumper…maybe he'll come back…" muttered Draco obsessively.

Meanwhile, Arthur Weasley was knocking on the door of Malfoy Manor. The door opened and Draco Malfoy appeared with what looked like a maroon sleeve.

"Hello…is Molly here?" asked Arthur politely. Draco opened the door wider and made a gesture for Arthur to pass.

Arthur came into the dining room to see Molly, Narcissa and Lucius in a slap fight. "MOLLY! NO!"

Meanwhile Harry and Ron were on the Ferris wheel eating fairy floss. "Harry! Why did you never tell me about Disneyland?" said Ron.

"I've never been!" replied Harry, "My uncle always left me behind…but I can tell you about Mrs Figg's!" Harry then went into a long explanation of the different cats Mrs Figg once had.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was crying over the disappearance of his love. Bellatrix then walked in and started crying along with Voldemort, for Harry had abandoned them both.

Back at the burrow, Hermione suddenly remembered that Ron was looking for Harry, and Harry had gone to the Malfoy Manor. So there she apparated. She knocked on the door but there was no answer, so she opened the door and entered. She went upstairs and heard someone saying Ron's name so she opened Draco Malfoy's door.

"What next?" muttered Draco "so what are you doing here then?"

"I'm looking for Ron!" Hermione replied dreamily.

"WHAT? Oh, uh… why?" Draco asked

"He ran away from me! To go after that troublemaker, Harry!" Draco tried to hide his annoyance but then had an idea "well, I could help you get him back"

"Would you?" she said excitedly

"Of course!"

"Do you have a plan?" she asked

"Only if you know how to knit fast"

Hermione beamed her specialty.

"Sure! She said and she started to knit. But it was no normal jumper… Hermione was knitting magic into it!

That evening…

"I'm done!" said Hermione. Then she muttered an incantation and Ron appeared, right where Hermione was holding the jumper!

Ron looked down to see himself wearing the maroon jumper and then he noticed his surroundings.

"Uh, oh!" he said just as Draco and Hermione tackled him.

Meanwhile Harry was on another rollercoaster wondering where Ron had disappeared to. When the ride had finished he decided to look for Ron. But where could he be? "Hmm… he seemed keen to go on the merry-go-round with the pink and purple unicorns…"

Harry looked near the merry-go-round but Ron wasn't there. Harry thought it looked fun so he boarded the ride and buckled himself in.

Back at the Malfoy manor, Ron had crawled out Draco's door and shut it, leaving Draco and Hermione inside the room. However, they didn't notice and they started kissing each other, each think they were still kissing Ron.

Ron ran into the closest room to find Voldemort and Bellatrix crying and hugging each other. As he was very emotionally unstable at the moment, he started crying himself, and went and joined the hug.

Meanwhile…

Fred had locked himself in Ron's room with George pounding on the door.

"Oh come on Honey!" George shouted "what's wrong? You can tell me!" He eventually remembered that he was a wizard, and could unlock doors. He did, but all he saw was an open window and a note on the bed

_Do yourself a favour. Go to St Mungo's. When you're better, send me an owl._

_-Fred_

George quickly apparated to St Mungo's because he figure Fred would be there.

When he got there he was very disappointed to not find Fred. But then he saw another familiar face-no, two! Pavarti and Padma Patil.

"Hello Pavarti!" George said to Padma.

"I'm Padma, jee Fred, you'd think you'd know that!"

"Fred?" George started paying close attention "have you seen Fred?!"

"No why?" asked the twins.

"I want to hold him… I want to kiss him… I want to-"

"We've heard enough!" yelled Pavarti. "Now, I suppose this is the work of a love potion?" she pulled a flask out of her pocket "we were just cured of the same thing"

"Who were you in love with?" asked George. The twins looked at each other sheepishly.

"This is no love potion!" shouted George "this is true love!"

"Well, this will make Fred be attracted to you more!" Pavarti lied.

"Oh good!" George took the potion in one gulp.

"What? What happened? Why am I at St Mungo's?" said George.

"You were in love with Fred" said Padma.

"Oh no! Oh no! I have to find him… Dobby's sock! I'll never live this one down!"

George apparated back to the burrow and borrowed Hedwig to send a message to Fred.

Back at the Malfoy Manor, Lucius and Arthur were fighting over Molly, and Narcissa was shouting at Molly and Lucius. In the side room, Bellatrix, Voldemort and Ron had fallen asleep in each other's arms.

Narcissa punched Molly and Lucius unconscious, leaving her and Arthur to drag them away.

Once Narcissa and Arthur had dragged their partners outside, they turned to each other. "Both our partners have betrayed us…" said Narcissa

"And were both alone…" said Arthur and they started snogging.

Then Rodolphus walked in on them "Narcissa! What are you doing!?"

Narcissa pulled away "what do you think I'm doing?" and resumed snogging Arthur.

Back at Disneyland, Harry had just got off the merry-go-round. Then he remembered Ron. "Maybe he went back to Malfoy Manor…" so he apparated there.

He casually walked past Narcissa and Arthur and went to see what was wrong with Rodolphus, who was staring at the lovers with his mouth open.

"Why can't my relationship with Trixy be like that?" Rodolphus asked sadly.

"There, there" Harry replied, patting him on the back.

"Hmm… maybe if I help with your relationship problems!" said Harry.

"Oh would you? Thankyou SO much!" replied Rodolphus.

"I can do couple counselling for 20 dollars and hour"

"Sounds like a deal!" said Rodolphus "but we need to find Bellatrix first" They went inside and found the room Bellatrix was in, as they opened the door Rodolphus said "TRIXY!?"

Ron, Voldemort and Bellatrix woke with a start and they realised what they had been doing. They quickly broke apart. "Ron?" Harry said in surprise.

Hermione and Draco both bounded into the room "did somebody say Ron was here?" asked Draco

Voldemort then burst into tears after seeing Harry again. He stormed out of the room, pushing Harry aside while Hermione and Draco tackled Ron to the ground.

"Oh Harry!" Bellatrix began, putting her hands on his chest "you came back to plan the wedding!"

"WHAT WEDDING!?" bellowed Rodolphus

"Oh- I forgot to tell you-I can explain-" stuttered Harry

"YOU SAID YOU WOULD HELP ME WITH MY RELATIONSHIP! BUT YOU WERE JUST RUINING IT!" shouted Rodolphus.

"It was a love potion!"

"NO! NO EXUCES! I'M SICK OF YOU!" Rodolphus ran to his and Bella's room and he crawled under the bed and started to cry. Harry just looked at the place Rodolphus disappeared… he had just lost a friend.

"so, I was thinking yellow roses… they would go nicely with the dress I picked out" said Bellatrix with her hands still on his chest.

"Get off me!" cried Harry and he pushed Bellatrix away. She ran up to her room crying and she crawled under the bed only to find Rodolphus. "he broke up with me!" she sobbed.

Meanwhile Fred had apparated into the chamber of secrets and he found himself battling a blind basilisk. Suddenly a phoenix flew in and dropped the sorting hat at Fred's feet. He put it on and shouted "HELP ME!" and something hard hit his head, he took the thing out to reveal a large pole that said 'Helga Hufflepuff' down the side. Fred was preparing for death when he remembered some of the chocolates were in his pocket. With nothing else to help him, except Hufflepuff's pole, he threw the chocolate into the Basilisk's mouth.

It stopped attacking and started sniffing and licking Fred.

Meanwhile…

Lucius and Molly had woken up and resumed their own kissing and Ron was struggling to get Draco and Hermione off him. Bellatrix and Rodolphus had fallen asleep in each other's arms under the bed. Then molly and Lucius, still kissing pulled the door open. They fell on the bed, exhausted and immediately fell asleep. Narcissa and Arthur followed but seeing as the bed was taken they fell asleep on the floor.

Meanwhile, Voldemort had apparated to one of his favourite places. Lollipops playland! He cried his eyes out in a tunnel and fell asleep in the ball pit.

Harry, on the other hand, was enjoying watching Ron struggling with Draco and Hermione. He heard a muffled "Harry! HELP ME!" but he just laughed. Ron was finally able to push them off and he stood up and ran out the door pulling Harry with him.

Ron and Harry raced back downstairs into the Death Eater dinner party. Unfortunately Peter Pettigrew got the dessert mixed up and he ended up buying Fred and George's chocolates. All the Death Eater looked at Harry and Ron dreamily the minute they were in sight.

Harry and Ron bolted. They eventually ran through a door and locked it behind them. Then they saw Molly and Lucius on the bed and Narcissa and Arthur on the floor, all asleep.

The Death Eaters were pounding on the door and the sleeping people were beginning to awake. Harry and Ron ran around the room looking for a place to hide, Ron got in the cupboard and Harry under the bed. But he bumped into something "What?... Lumos" His wand lighted to reveal Rodolphus and Bellatrix "what are you doing here?" said Harry.

"Oh, Harry dear! You came back!" Bella said, delighted and she hugged him tight. Though Rodolphus looked like he was about to murder him.

_In here? Or out there?_ Thought Harry_…Out there!_

He scrambled out from under the bed, only to find the remainder of the Death Eaters looking down at him dreamily, and the other lovesick adults in separate corners of the room, once again kissing.

Harry looked around for Ron and eventually found him kissing peter Pettigrew. Then Yaxley seized him and planted a kiss on his lips.

In return, Harry punched him in the face. He was just about to grab Ron and run, but then Draco and Hermione came rushing into the room, seizing Ron.

Harry decided getting Ron would be too much work so he apparated to a happy place. That happy place happened to be the same as Voldemort's happy place- lollipop's playland!

Exhausted, Harry rested in the ball pit and slowly sank down until he felt another person. "Hang on… I know that wrinkly, cold skin!" muttered Harry "Voldemort?"

A red, puffy-eyed Voldemort appeared from the numerous coloured balls and surveyed Harry wearily "Voldemort!" Harry shouted happily "Oh my dear Voldy!"

"HARRY!" Voldemort cried with joy, as he threw his arms around Harry's neck "I knew that if you cared, you'd look for me! I knew you would know I was here!"

"Of course I would know you were here, my dear!" said Harry "This was where we had our first date! How could I forget?!"


End file.
